I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
