No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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