I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
