in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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