I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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