I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
