Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
