I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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