U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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