I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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