Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
