After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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