Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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