Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
