WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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