I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
