Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
