I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
