Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize