I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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