that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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