I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
