oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
