Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
