i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
either way he was missing a nipple.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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