I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
