his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
