Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
barbara walters just said penis...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
