oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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