you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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