so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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