Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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