I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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