Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
my sisters under your porch take her home
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize