oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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