Sponge bath it is.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
our cab driver is having phone sex.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
