Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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