I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
