I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
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