After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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