The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
