I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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