If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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