Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
