dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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