so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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