And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
