so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize