Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
