biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
