I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
