im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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